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  • Courtney Douglass

Approaching casual sex with the right mindset

Question: I am a virgin and I just want to have sex one time with a girl. The problem is that I don't know how to find a girl who will do it. -Anonymous

Answer: If you’re looking for casual sex like this, there are a few questions you should ask yourself.

1. Why do I want to have casual sex?

2. Am I ready to treat the people I have sex with like full people and give them the respect they deserve?

These questions aren’t to deter you from seeking casual sex per se. These are sound questions to ask yourself to figure out if it’s right for you.

See, if you just want to “get it over with,” you might want to hold off for right now. Too many people express regret over this kind of first-time sex. Often, when people wait, better opportunities show up later, and its sex everyone can feel good about afterward.

On the other hand, if you want to have sex to “get off,” then you aren’t in the right mindset to think of a partner and their needs. Masturbation, where it’s only about you, is the best outlet for when we feel this way. If it’s only about your needs, wants, and feelings, it’s best to wait for a partner until you can consider them, too.

I’d also like you to recognize that virginity—whatever that term means to you—isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes not having partnered sex gives us a good time to learn to be sexual with ourselves. It lets us focus on great nonsexual relationships and hone our communication skills.

All these things become useful when we do choose to become sexual with someone else.

Being a virgin doesn't mean you’re a loser or a prude. It means that you haven’t had partnered sex yet. That's it. Virginity doesn't have to be burdensome. Like I said, it’s a good time to explore other avenues of your sexuality, all by yourself!

However, if you’re looking to experiment as two people that are having a whole lot of fun together, then that’s wonderful. It's a great feeling to share your sexuality with others, no matter if it’s casual or committed.

The truth is there are a lot of girls in the exact same boat as you, who are seeking one-time, relationship-free sex. There’s no one place to find them, either. Try to talk to different girls and gauge the situation. After a while, if you’re sensing it’s ok for you to do so, tell them the kind of sex that you want, and ask if they want that too. That’s the best, safest way for everyone to benefit.

Mind, it might take a while for it to happen, but good things come with patience.

Of course, you also need to make sure the other person is getting the respect they deserve. This means communicating with your partner and figuring out what they want out of sex. It means asking about their likes and dislikes.

Respect is using safer sex because you care enough to prevent STIs and pregnancy. It also means being upfront about what it is you want to do. Tell them you want this to be a one-time act and that you don’t want a relationship out of it. Then, only continue from there if that person wants the same.

It also means having a good time with someone. The most basic rule of sex is that it should be fun!

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